Sometimes You’ve Just Gotta Brood

I’m in a somewhat wistful, moody, sad mood today.  Yes, I’m pretty much the chipper optimist most days, but sometimes the weight of the world becomes too heavy for my shoulders and I just gotta take time out to brood.  And it feels good.

The end of summer/start of the school year time is always a bit poignant and wistful for me.  Add to this, my son will be a senior in high school, and I’m having to deal with all the logistics and tensions about SAT scores, applying for scholarships, applying for financial aid, applying for college, amongst all the other myriad minutia in the daily life of a single parent.

Most of the time I can deal with being a single parent just fine, because I will admit to being somewhat of a control freak.  But having to make all the decisions all the time can be draining.  Especially when money is tight, or nonexistent.  Everything falls on you to deal with.  I was just reading in Isabel Gillies’ memoir, about the reality that single mothers can become ‘islands’; feeling that we can do it all ourselves without help.   Yep, that’s me; I feel like a big ole island most of the time.

I pray, practice yoga, and meditate on a regular basis.  This has helped greatly to keep somewhat of a calm balance in my life.  But I do live in the real world, with all its real stuff to deal with, not in an ashram or monastery.  So when my thinking mind goes into overdrive, pounding me with worry and anxiety, I just gotta let go.  I embrace my moodiness and just go into full-out brood mode.  Feel the brooding!  Love the brooding!

My foul moods never really last too long anymore if I just accept them and go with the flow.  Soon the worrisome contemplation gives way to a peaceful place, where maybe I’m not incredibly happy, but am calm and present.  So, you must excuse me now; I gotta go brood.

~Marilyn Huttunen