Musings from Marilyn

Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

Here it is, once again, that annual event that we all go through together whether we like it or not: the turning of the clock into the new year.  I’ve always liked the feeling of ending the old, and starting anew with a fresh clean slate.  Even though we carry our bag of emotions, concerns and worries with us into the new year, there is that magical moment when the clock strikes midnight when all things seem possible, albeit fleetingly.

I am spending New Years Eve home alone, and feeling very okay with it.  Almost giddy!   I guess I’ve reached a point in my life where reveling with mostly strangers at parties, and driving in the dead of night trying to avoid drunk drivers doesn’t have the appeal it once did.  In fact, I was just thinking about all the New Year’s Eve parties that I’ve attended over the years that never quite lived up to the “expectation” of having a blissfully ecstatic time.  Didn’t really matter if I was single, dating, married, engaged, or divorcing at the time… it all felt the same.

So I’ve learned to just approach New Year’s Eve from a neutral standpoint.  Read a good book, listen to music, make Hoppin’ John and cornbread, watch the ball drop from the Space Needle, sip some champagne, watch the Marx Brothers movie marathon… and make NO resolutions! 

“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up on New Year’s Eve.  Middle age is when you’re forced to.”  ~Bill Vaughn

Happy 2012!

~Marilyn Huttunen

I’m in a somewhat wistful, moody, sad mood today.  Yes, I’m pretty much the chipper optimist most days, but sometimes the weight of the world becomes too heavy for my shoulders and I just gotta take time out to brood.  And it feels good.

The end of summer/start of the school year time is always a bit poignant and wistful for me.  Add to this, my son will be a senior in high school, and I’m having to deal with all the logistics and tensions about SAT scores, applying for scholarships, applying for financial aid, applying for college, amongst all the other myriad minutia in the daily life of a single parent.

Most of the time I can deal with being a single parent just fine, because I will admit to being somewhat of a control freak.  But having to make all the decisions all the time can be draining.  Especially when money is tight, or nonexistent.  Everything falls on you to deal with.  I was just reading in Isabel Gillies’ memoir, about the reality that single mothers can become ‘islands’; feeling that we can do it all ourselves without help.   Yep, that’s me; I feel like a big ole island most of the time.

I pray, practice yoga, and meditate on a regular basis.  This has helped greatly to keep somewhat of a calm balance in my life.  But I do live in the real world, with all its real stuff to deal with, not in an ashram or monastery.  So when my thinking mind goes into overdrive, pounding me with worry and anxiety, I just gotta let go.  I embrace my moodiness and just go into full-out brood mode.  Feel the brooding!  Love the brooding!

My foul moods never really last too long anymore if I just accept them and go with the flow.  Soon the worrisome contemplation gives way to a peaceful place, where maybe I’m not incredibly happy, but am calm and present.  So, you must excuse me now; I gotta go brood.

~Marilyn Huttunen

As much as I like to grumble about winter’s cold, snow, ice, sleet and rain, I secretly kind of like it.   Well, I don’t actually like the drastic weather conditions.  More so I like the changes it can evoke in me mentally, spiritually and emotionally.  I’ve learned, over time, to accept and even enjoy the experiences than only wintertime can bring.

It used to be that I really dreaded wintertime; the short daylight hours, the long, dark, cold nights.  I used to get a form of the winter blues, where it just all seemed so eternally gray and muted.  I would inwardly feel a bit sad.  And I would get in the habit of thinking negatively about everything winter-related.  Kind of a self-perpetuating numbness.

Over time, I guess I’ve gotten a lot more accepting of things, especially those things over which I have no control.  And I think we can all agree that weather conditions are one thing that we can definitely not control.  I started looking at winter with a new perspective, and how it could be used as a time of reflection and replenishment.  Since nature is slowing down and resting at this time, I took my cue from it and decided to do that for myself.

I find that it is a great time for looking inward; meditating, praying, reading.  There are fewer distractions, everything being colder, darker and slower-paced.  I take this time to recharge my batteries, so to speak.  I have learned to not to be afraid of my feelings, to not suppress them.  If I’m sad, I feel sad; mad, angry, frustrated – same thing.  I let it come out and really really feel it.  And then I usually go out for a brisk walk (in wintertime that is the only type of walk you can take!)  Usually this brings me back to a state of  positively balanced calmness.

I find myself cooking a lot more in winter- and really enjoying it.  I usually can be found brewing up pots of bean soup or roasting root vegetables; something that I would never do in summer.  It is so satisfying to make and then savor, some wholesome home cooking.

It’s also a great time to read that stack of books that I’ve put off all summer.  Wintertime really lends itself to reading.  Curling up in a warm blanket with a hot cup of tea, reading, is one of the great pleasures of life.  There are fewer distractions, less activity, less guilt about slowing down.

I guess I have taken Wayne Dyer’s words of advice to heart:  “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”  I have changed how I look at winter; and it has in turn changed!

~Marilyn Huttunen

This summer has been quite an amazing one for me so far.  No exciting trips or adventures, but more a quiet change of mind-set and attitude.  I have just decided to “let go”.

Now this does not come easily for me.  I have a tendency to plan, scheme, worry and envision certain outcomes to things.  I feel “comfortable” carrying around these feelings because it makes it seem like I’m in control of my life.  I don’t spend too much time ruing the past, so that’s not the issue;  I just have not spent a whole lot of time just “being”  in the present and letting life reveal its secrets gradually.

It is kind of a Taoist approach to life: surrendering, letting go of resistance, and trusting Divinity.  This puts one in tune with the flow of life by being in the here and now – the only place and time where life is truly lived.  I am a work in progress, but so far the results have been rather remarkable, if only noticed by me.

I seem to be much calmer, patient, and feel more contented.  I am finding that by not doing, things get done.  Wonderful things that are meant to be in my life are really happening now because I am not putting up a big wall of resistance and fear.  It is very peaceful feeling knowing that whatever happens was meant to be.  I love this Chinese proverb:  “If there is nothing you can do about it, why worry?  If there is something you can do about it, why worry?”

This will be an ongoing process for me, I’m sure.  A girl doesn’t give up her bag of frets and scheming all that easily!  But it is calming, exciting, and hopeful all in one…and who can beat that?

“By letting go it all gets done.” ~Lao Tze

~Marilyn